The Third Expansion

Cartes blanches

A black male in his early 20s, last seen wearing a hoodie.
A boo-boo.
A botched circumcision.
A cat video so cute that your eyes roll back and your spine slides out of your anus.
A cop who is also a dog.
A greased-up Matthew McConaughey.
A lamprey swimming up the toilet and latching onto your taint.
A pile of squirming bodies.
A PowerPoint presentation.
A spontaneous conga line.
A surprising amount of hair.
A vagina that leads to another dimension.
Actually getting shot, for real.
All my friends dying.
An all-midget production of Shakespeare's Richard III.
An ass disaster.
An unstoppable wave of fire ants.
Bill Clinton, naked on a bearskin rug with a saxophone.
Blood farts.
Blowing some dudes in an alley.
Buying the right pants to be cool.
Chugging a lava lamp.
Cock.
Crying into the pages of Sylvia Plath.
Demonic possession.
Disco fever.
Drinking ten 5-hour ENERGYs® to get fifty continuous hours of energy.
Dying alone and in pain.
Eating Tom Selleck's mustache to gain his powers.
Filling every orifice with butterscotch pudding.
Fisting.
Flying robots that kill people.
Gay aliens.
Getting your dick stuck in a Chinese finger trap with another dick.
Girls that always be textin'.
Going around punching people.
Having sex on top of a pizza.
Having shotguns for legs.
Indescribable loneliness.
Jumping out at people.
Letting everyone down.
Mufasa's death scene.
My manservant, Claude.
Not contributing to society in any meaningful way.
Not having sex.
Nothing.
Putting an entire peanut butter and jelly sandwich into the VCR.
Reverse cowgirl.
Roland the Farter, flatulist to the king.
Running naked through a mall, pissing and shitting everywhere.
Samuel L. Jackson.
Screaming like a maniac.
Self-flagellation.
Shutting the fuck up.
Slapping a racist old lady.
Sneezing, farting, and coming at the same time.
Some douche with an acoustic guitar.
Some kind of bird-man.
Spending lots of money.
That ass.
The entire Internet.
The Harlem Globetrotters.
The Land of Chocolate.
The moist, demanding chasm of his mouth.
The primal, ball-slapping sex your parents are having right now.
The Quesadilla Explosion Salad™ from Chili's®.
The systematic destruction of an entire people and their way of life.
The thin veneer of situational causality that underlies porn.
The way white people is.
Three months in the hole.
Unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks.
Velcro™.
Vietnam flashbacks.
Vomiting mid-blowjob.
Warm, velvety muppet sex.

Cartes noires

____: Hours of fun. Easy to use. Perfect for ____!
____. Awesome in theory, kind of a mess in practice.
A successful job interview begins with a firm handshake and ends with ____.
After months of practice with ____, I think I'm finally ready for ____.
And what did you bring for show and tell?
As part of his contract, Prince won't perform without ____ in his dressing room.
As part of his daily regimen, Anderson Cooper sets aside 15 minutes for ____.
Call the law offices of Goldstein & Goldstein, because no one should have to tolerate ____ in the workplace.
During high school, I never really fit in until I found ____ club.
Finally! A service that delivers ____ right to your door.
Having problems with ____? Try ____!
Hey baby, come back to my place and I'll show you ____.
I'm not like the rest of you. I'm too rich and busy for ____.
In the seventh circle of Hell, sinners must endure ____ for all eternity.
Listen, son. If you want to get involved with ____, I won't stop you. Just steer clear of ____.
Lovin' you is easy 'cause you're ____.
Money can't buy me love, but it can buy me ____.
My gym teacher got fired for adding ____ to the obstacle course.
My life is ruled by a vicious cycle of ____ and ____.
The blind date was going horribly until we discovered our shared interest in ____.
To prepare for his upcoming role, Daniel Day-Lewis immersed himself in the world of ____.
Turns out that ____-Man was neither the hero we needed nor wanted.
What left this stain on my couch?
When you get right down to it, ____ is just ____.
With enough time and pressure, ____ will turn into ____.

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