Third Version

Cartes blanches

50,000 volts straight to the nipples.
72 virgins.
8 oz. of sweet Mexican black-tar heroin.
A bag of magic beans.
A balanced breakfast.
A bitch slap.
A bleached asshole.
A Bop It™.
A brain tumor.
A bucket of fish heads.
A can of whoop-ass.
A cooler full of organs.
A death ray.
A defective condom.
A disappointing birthday party.
A falcon with a cap on its head.
A fetus.
A foul mouth.
A gassy antelope.
A gentle caress of the inner thigh.
A good sniff.
A homoerotic volleyball montage.
A hot mess.
A lifetime of sadness.
A live studio audience.
A mating display.
A micropenis.
A micropig wearing a tiny raincoat and booties.
A middle-aged man on roller skates.
A mime having a stroke.
A monkey smoking a cigar.
A mopey zoo lion.
A murder most foul.
A pyramid of severed heads.
A really cool hat.
A robust mongoloid.
A sad handjob.
A salty surprise.
A sassy black woman.
A sausage festival.
A sea of troubles.
A snapping turtle biting the tip of your penis.
A spastic nerd.
A stray pube.
A subscription to Men's Fitness.
A Super Soaker™ full of cat pee.
A thermonuclear detonation.
A time travel paradox.
A tiny horse.
A tribe of warrior women.
A windmill full of corpses.
A zesty breakfast burrito.
Aaron Burr.
Active listening.
Actually taking candy from a baby.
Adderall™.
Advice from a wise, old black man.
African children.
Agriculture.
AIDS.
Alcoholism.
All-you-can-eat shrimp for $4.99.
Altar boys.
Amputees.
An asymmetric boob job.
An erection that lasts longer than four hours.
An icepick lobotomy.
An M. Night Shyamalan plot twist.
An M16 assault rifle.
An Oedipus complex.
An oversized lollipop.
An ugly face.
An uppercut.
Anal beads.
Another goddamn vampire movie.
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Asians who aren't good at math.
Assless chaps.
Attitude.
Auschwitz.
Authentic Mexican cuisine.
Autocannibalism.
AXE Body Spray.
Balls.
Barack Obama.
BATMAN!!!
Battlefield amputations.
Bees?
Being a dick to children.
Being a motherfucking sorcerer.
Being fabulous.
Being fat and stupid.
Being marginalized.
Being on fire.
Being rich.
Bill Nye the Science Guy.
Bingeing and purging.
Bitches.
Black people.
Bling.
Boogers.
Breaking out into song and dance.
Britney Spears at 55.
Brown people.
Capturing Newt Gingrich and forcing him to dance in a monkey suit.
Cards Against Humanity.
Catapults.
Centaurs.
Chainsaws for hands.
Cheating in the Special Olympics.
Child beauty pageants.
Children on leashes.
Christopher Walken.
Chunks of dead prostitute.
Civilian casualties.
Classist undertones.
Coat hanger abortions.
Concealing a boner.
Consensual sex.
Copping a feel.
Count Chocula.
Crippling debt.
Crucifixion.
Crystal meth.
Cuddling.
Cybernetic enhancements.
Daddy issues.
Darth Vader.
Dead babies.
Dead parents.
Dental dams.
Destroying the evidence.
Dick Cheney.
Dick fingers.
Doin' it in the butt.
Doing the right thing.
Domino's™ Oreo™┬áDessert Pizza.
Drinking alone.
Dropping a chandelier on your enemies and riding the rope up.
Dry heaving.
Dying of dysentery.
Dying.
Eating all of the cookies before the AIDS bake-sale.
Eating the last known bison.
Edible underpants.
Elderly Japanese men.
Embryonic stem cells.
Emotions.
Erectile dysfunction.
Estrogen.
Ethnic cleansing.
Eugenics.
Exactly what you'd expect.
Expecting a burp and vomiting on the floor.
Explosions.
Extremely tight pants.
Famine.
Fancy Feast®.
Farting and walking away.
Fear itself.
Feeding Rosie O'Donnell.
Fiery poops.
Figgy pudding.
Finger painting.
Fingering.
Firing a rifle into the air while balls deep in a squealing hog.
Five-Dollar Footlongs™.
Flesh-eating bacteria.
Flightless birds.
Flying sex snakes.
Foreskin.
Former President George W. Bush.
Free samples.
Friction.
Friendly fire.
Friends with benefits.
Frolicking.
Full frontal nudity.
Funky fresh rhymes.
Gandhi.
Geese.
Genghis Khan.
Genital piercings.
German dungeon porn.
Getting drunk on mouthwash.
Getting married, having a few kids, buying some stuff, retiring to Florida, and dying.
Getting naked and watching Nickelodeon.
Getting really high.
Getting so angry that you pop a boner.
Ghosts.
Giving 110%.
Gloryholes.
Goblins.
God.
GoGurt®.
Golden showers.
Grandma.
Grave robbing.
Growing a pair.
Guys who don't call.
Half-assed foreplay.
Harry Potter erotica.
Heartwarming orphans.
Helplessly giggling at the mention of Hutus and Tutsis.
Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II.
Heteronormativity.
Historically black colleges.
Home video of Oprah sobbing into a Lean Cuisine®.
Homeless people.
Hope.
Hormone injections.
Horrifying laser hair removal accidents.
Horse meat.
Hospice care.
Hot cheese.
Hot people.
Hot Pockets®.
Hulk Hogan.
Hurricane Katrina.
Inappropriate yodeling.
Incest.
Italians.
Jerking off into a pool of children's tears.
Jewish fraternities.
John Wilkes Booth.
Judge Judy.
Justin Bieber.
Kamikaze pilots.
Kanye West.
Keanu Reeves.
Kids with ass cancer.
Lactation.
Lady Gaga.
Lance Armstrong's missing testicle.
Land mines.
Laying an egg.
Leaving an awkward voicemail.
Leprosy.
Licking things to claim them as your own.
Lockjaw.
Lumberjack fantasies.
Lunchables™.
Making a pouty face.
Man meat.
Masturbation.
Me time.
MechaHitler.
Men.
Menstrual rage.
Michael Jackson.
Michelle Obama's arms.
Morgan Freeman's voice.
Mouth herpes.
Mr. Clean, right behind you.
Muhammed (Praise Be Unto Him).
Multiple stab wounds.
Mutually-assured destruction.
My collection of high-tech sex toys.
My genitals.
My humps.
My inner demons.
My relationship status.
My sex life.
My soul.
My vagina.
Natalie Portman.
Natural male enhancement.
Natural selection.
Nazis.
Necrophilia.
New Age music.
Nickelback.
Nicolas Cage.
Nipple blades.
Not giving a shit about the Third World.
Not reciprocating oral sex.
Not wearing pants.
Obesity.
Object permanence.
Old-people smell.
One trillion dollars.
Oompa-Loompas.
Opposable thumbs.
Overcompensation.
Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Pac-Man uncontrollably guzzling cum.
Panda sex.
Parting the Red Sea.
Passable transvestites.
Passing a kidney stone.
Passive-aggressive Post-it notes.
Passive-agression.
Pedophiles.
Peeing a little bit.
Penis envy.
Picking up girls at the abortion clinic.
Pictures of boobs.
Pixelated bukkake.
Police brutality.
Pooping back and forth. Forever.
Poopy diapers.
Poor life choices.
Poor people.
Poorly-timed Holocaust jokes.
Porn stars.
Powerful thighs.
Prancing.
Praying the gay away.
Preteens.
Pretending to care.
Puberty.
Public ridicule.
Pulling out.
Puppies!
Queefing.
Racially-biased SAT questions.
Racism.
Raptor attacks.
Rehab.
Repression.
Republicans.
Riding off into the sunset.
Road head.
Robert Downey, Jr.
RoboCop.
Ronald Reagan.
Roofies.
Rush Limbaugh's soft, shitty body.
Same-sex ice dancing.
Sarah Palin.
Saxophone solos.
Scalping.
Science.
Scientology.
Scrubbing under the folds.
Sean Connery.
Sean Penn.
Self-loathing.
Seppuku.
Serfdom.
Sexting.
Sexual tension.
Sexy pillow fights.
Shapeshifters.
Shaquille O'Neal's acting career.
Sharing needles.
Shiny objects.
Silence.
Skeletor.
Smallpox blankets.
Smegma.
Sniffing glue.
Some god-damn peace and quiet.
Soup that is too hot.
Spectacular abs.
Sperm whales.
Spontaneous human combustion.
Stalin.
Stephen Hawking talking dirty.
Stormtroopers.
Stranger danger.
Sunshine and rainbows.
Surprise sex!
Sweet, sweet vengeance.
Switching to Geico®.
Swooping.
Synergistic management solutions.
Take-backsies.
Taking off your shirt.
Tangled Slinkys.
Tasteful sideboob.
Teaching a robot to love.
Teenage pregnancy.
Tentacle porn.
Testicular torsion.
That thing that electrocutes your abs.
The Übermensch.
The American Dream.
The Amish.
The art of seduction.
The Big Bang.
The Blood of Christ.
The Boy Scouts of America.
The Care Bear Stare.
The Chinese gymnastics team.
The chronic.
The clitoris.
The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy.
The Devil himself.
The entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
The female orgasm.
The folly of man.
The Force.
The gays.
The glass ceiling.
The Great Depression.
The Hamburglar.
The hardworking Mexican.
The heart of a child.
The Holy Bible.
The homosexual agenda.
The Hustle.
The inevitable heat death of the universe.
The invisible hand.
The Jews.
The KKK.
The Kool-Aid Man.
The light of a billion suns.
The Little Engine That Could.
The Make-A-Wish® Foundation.
The milk man.
The miracle of childbirth.
The penny whistle solo from "My Heart Will Go On."
The placenta.
The Pope.
The profoundly handicapped.
The Rapture.
The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
The South.
The taint; the grundle; the fleshy fun-bridge.
The Tempur-Pedic® Swedish Sleep System™.
The terrorists.
The Three-Fifths compromise.
The token minority.
The Trail of Tears.
The true meaning of Christmas.
The Underground Railroad.
The violation of our most basic human rights.
The Virginia Tech Massacre.
The World of Warcraft.
Third base.
Throwing a virgin into a volcano.
Tickling Sean Hannity, even after he tells you to stop.
Tom Cruise.
Toni Morrison's vagina.
Two midgets shitting into a bucket.
Unfathomable stupidity.
Used panties.
Vehicular manslaughter.
Viagra®.
Vigilante justice.
Vigorous jazz hands.
Vikings.
Waiting 'til marriage.
Waking up half-naked in a Denny's parking lot.
Wearing underwear inside-out to avoid doing laundry.
Wet dreams.
When you fart and a little bit comes out.
Whipping it out.
White people.
White privilege.
Wifely duties.
William Shatner.
Winking at old people.
Wiping her butt.
Women in yogurt commercials.
Women's suffrage.
World peace.
Yeast.
YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS.

Cartes noires

____ + ____ = ____.
____ is a slippery slope that leads to ____.
____: Good to the last drop.
____: kid-tested, mother-approved.
____. Betcha can't have just one!
____. High five, bro.
____. It's a trap!
____. That's how I want to die.
A romantic, candlelit dinner would be incomplete without ____.
After the earthquake, Sean Penn brought ____ to the people of Haiti.
Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative powers of ____.
And the Academy Award for ____ goes to ____.
BILLY MAYS HERE FOR ____.
But before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you ____.
Coming to Broadway this season, ____: The Musical.
Daddy, why is Mommy crying?
Dear Abby,

I'm having some trouble with ____ and would like your advice.
During his childhood, Salvador Dalí produced hundreds of paintings of ____.
During sex, I like to think about ____.
For my next trick, I will pull ____ out of ____.
Here is the church
Here is the steeple
Open the doors
And there is ____.
How am I maintaining my relationship status?
How did I lose my virginity?
I do not know with which weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with ____.
I drink to forget ____.
I got 99 problems but ____ ain't one.
I never truly understood ____ until I encountered ____.
I'm sorry, Professor, but I couldn't complete my homework because of ____.
In 1,000 years, when paper money is a distant memory, how will we pay for goods and services?
In a world ravaged by ____, our only solace is ____.
In L.A. County Jail, word is you can trade 200 cigarettes for ____.
In M. Night Shyamalan's new movie, Bruce Willis discovers that ____ had really been ____ all along.
In Michael Jackson's final moments, he thought about ____.
In the new Disney Channel Original Movie, Hannah Montana struggles with ____ for the first time.
Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children ____.
It's a pity that kids these days are all getting involved with ____.
Life for American Indians was forever changed when the White Man introduced them to ____.
Lifetime® presents ____, the story of ____.
Major League Baseball has banned ____ for giving players an unfair advantage.
Make a haiku.
Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's ____.
MTV's new reality show features eight washed-up celebrities living with ____.
Next from J.K. Rowling: Harry Potter and the Chamber of ____.
Next on ESPN2, the World Series of ____.
Rumor has it that Vladimir Putin's favorite delicacy is ____ stuffed with ____.
Step 1: ____. Step 2: ____. Step 3: Profit.
Studies show that lab rats navigate mazes 50% faster after being exposed to ____.
That's right, I killed ____. How, you ask? ____.
The class field trip was completely ruined by ____.
The Smithsonian Museum of Natural History has just opened an exhibit on ____.
This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends Not with a bang but with ____.
TSA guidelines now prohibit ____ on airplanes.
War!

What is it good for?
What am I giving up for Lent?
What are my parents hiding from me?
What did I bring back from Mexico?
What did the U.S. airdrop to the children of Afghanistan?
What did Vin Diesel eat for dinner?
What do old people smell like?
What does Dick Cheney prefer?
What don't you want to find in your Kung Pao chicken?
What ended my last relationship?
What gets better with age?
What gives me uncontrollable gas?
What helps Obama unwind?
What is Batman's guilty pleasure?
What never fails to liven up the party?
What will always get you laid?
What will I bring back in time to convince people that I am a powerful wizard?
What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming?
What's a girl's best friend?
What's my anti-drug?
What's my secret power?
What's Teach for America using to inspire inner city students to succeed?
What's that smell?
What's that sound?
What's the most emo?
What's the new fad diet?
What's the next Happy Meal® toy?
What's the next superhero/sidekick duo?
What's there a ton of in heaven?
When I am a billionare, I shall erect a 50-foot statue to commemorate ____.
When I am the President of the United States, I will create the Department of ____.
When I was tripping on acid, ____ turned into ____.
When Pharaoh remained unmoved, Moses called down a plague of ____.
While the United States raced the Soviet Union to the moon, the Mexican government funneled millions of pesos into research on ____.
White people like ____.
Why am I sticky?
Why can't I sleep at night?
Why do I hurt all over?

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