Cartes blanches50,000 volts straight to the nipples.
8 oz. of sweet Mexican black-tar heroin.
A bag of magic beans.
A balanced breakfast.
A bitch slap.
A bleached asshole.
A Bop It™.
A brain tumor.
A bucket of fish heads.
A can of whoop-ass.
A cooler full of organs.
A death ray.
A defective condom.
A disappointing birthday party.
A falcon with a cap on its head.
A foul mouth.
A gassy antelope.
A gentle caress of the inner thigh.
A good sniff.
A homoerotic volleyball montage.
A hot mess.
A lifetime of sadness.
A live studio audience.
A mating display.
A micropig wearing a tiny raincoat and booties.
A middle-aged man on roller skates.
A mime having a stroke.
A monkey smoking a cigar.
A mopey zoo lion.
A murder most foul.
A pyramid of severed heads.
A really cool hat.
A robust mongoloid.
A sad handjob.
A salty surprise.
A sassy black woman.
A sausage festival.
A sea of troubles.
A snapping turtle biting the tip of your penis.
A spastic nerd.
A stray pube.
A subscription to Men's Fitness.
A Super Soaker™ full of cat pee.
A thermonuclear detonation.
A time travel paradox.
A tiny horse.
A tribe of warrior women.
A windmill full of corpses.
A zesty breakfast burrito.
Actually taking candy from a baby.
Advice from a wise, old black man.
All-you-can-eat shrimp for $4.99.
An asymmetric boob job.
An erection that lasts longer than four hours.
An icepick lobotomy.
An M. Night Shyamalan plot twist.
An M16 assault rifle.
An Oedipus complex.
An oversized lollipop.
An ugly face.
Another goddamn vampire movie.
Asians who aren't good at math.
Authentic Mexican cuisine.
AXE Body Spray.
Being a dick to children.
Being a motherfucking sorcerer.
Being fat and stupid.
Being on fire.
Bill Nye the Science Guy.
Bingeing and purging.
Breaking out into song and dance.
Britney Spears at 55.
Capturing Newt Gingrich and forcing him to dance in a monkey suit.
Cards Against Humanity.
Chainsaws for hands.
Cheating in the Special Olympics.
Child beauty pageants.
Children on leashes.
Chunks of dead prostitute.
Coat hanger abortions.
Concealing a boner.
Copping a feel.
Destroying the evidence.
Doin' it in the butt.
Doing the right thing.
Domino's™ Oreo™ Dessert Pizza.
Dropping a chandelier on your enemies and riding the rope up.
Dying of dysentery.
Eating all of the cookies before the AIDS bake-sale.
Eating the last known bison.
Elderly Japanese men.
Embryonic stem cells.
Exactly what you'd expect.
Expecting a burp and vomiting on the floor.
Extremely tight pants.
Farting and walking away.
Feeding Rosie O'Donnell.
Firing a rifle into the air while balls deep in a squealing hog.
Flying sex snakes.
Former President George W. Bush.
Friends with benefits.
Full frontal nudity.
Funky fresh rhymes.
German dungeon porn.
Getting drunk on mouthwash.
Getting married, having a few kids, buying some stuff, retiring to Florida, and dying.
Getting naked and watching Nickelodeon.
Getting really high.
Getting so angry that you pop a boner.
Growing a pair.
Guys who don't call.
Harry Potter erotica.
Helplessly giggling at the mention of Hutus and Tutsis.
Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II.
Historically black colleges.
Home video of Oprah sobbing into a Lean Cuisine®.
Horrifying laser hair removal accidents.
Jerking off into a pool of children's tears.
John Wilkes Booth.
Kids with ass cancer.
Lance Armstrong's missing testicle.
Laying an egg.
Leaving an awkward voicemail.
Licking things to claim them as your own.
Making a pouty face.
Michelle Obama's arms.
Morgan Freeman's voice.
Mr. Clean, right behind you.
Muhammed (Praise Be Unto Him).
Multiple stab wounds.
My collection of high-tech sex toys.
My inner demons.
My relationship status.
My sex life.
Natural male enhancement.
New Age music.
Not giving a shit about the Third World.
Not reciprocating oral sex.
Not wearing pants.
One trillion dollars.
Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Pac-Man uncontrollably guzzling cum.
Parting the Red Sea.
Passing a kidney stone.
Passive-aggressive Post-it notes.
Peeing a little bit.
Picking up girls at the abortion clinic.
Pictures of boobs.
Pooping back and forth. Forever.
Poor life choices.
Poorly-timed Holocaust jokes.
Praying the gay away.
Pretending to care.
Racially-biased SAT questions.
Riding off into the sunset.
Robert Downey, Jr.
Rush Limbaugh's soft, shitty body.
Same-sex ice dancing.
Scrubbing under the folds.
Sexy pillow fights.
Shaquille O'Neal's acting career.
Some god-damn peace and quiet.
Soup that is too hot.
Spontaneous human combustion.
Stephen Hawking talking dirty.
Sunshine and rainbows.
Sweet, sweet vengeance.
Switching to Geico®.
Synergistic management solutions.
Taking off your shirt.
Teaching a robot to love.
That thing that electrocutes your abs.
The American Dream.
The art of seduction.
The Big Bang.
The Blood of Christ.
The Boy Scouts of America.
The Care Bear Stare.
The Chinese gymnastics team.
The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy.
The Devil himself.
The entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
The female orgasm.
The folly of man.
The glass ceiling.
The Great Depression.
The hardworking Mexican.
The heart of a child.
The Holy Bible.
The homosexual agenda.
The inevitable heat death of the universe.
The invisible hand.
The Kool-Aid Man.
The light of a billion suns.
The Little Engine That Could.
The Make-A-Wish® Foundation.
The milk man.
The miracle of childbirth.
The penny whistle solo from "My Heart Will Go On."
The profoundly handicapped.
The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
The taint; the grundle; the fleshy fun-bridge.
The Tempur-Pedic® Swedish Sleep System™.
The Three-Fifths compromise.
The token minority.
The Trail of Tears.
The true meaning of Christmas.
The Underground Railroad.
The violation of our most basic human rights.
The Virginia Tech Massacre.
The World of Warcraft.
Throwing a virgin into a volcano.
Tickling Sean Hannity, even after he tells you to stop.
Toni Morrison's vagina.
Two midgets shitting into a bucket.
Vigorous jazz hands.
Waiting 'til marriage.
Waking up half-naked in a Denny's parking lot.
Wearing underwear inside-out to avoid doing laundry.
When you fart and a little bit comes out.
Whipping it out.
Winking at old people.
Wiping her butt.
Women in yogurt commercials.
YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS.
Cartes noires____ + ____ = ____.
____ is a slippery slope that leads to ____.
____: Good to the last drop.
____: kid-tested, mother-approved.
____. Betcha can't have just one!
____. High five, bro.
____. It's a trap!
____. That's how I want to die.
A romantic, candlelit dinner would be incomplete without ____.
After the earthquake, Sean Penn brought ____ to the people of Haiti.
Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative powers of ____.
And the Academy Award for ____ goes to ____.
BILLY MAYS HERE FOR ____.
But before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you ____.
Coming to Broadway this season, ____: The Musical.
Daddy, why is Mommy crying?
I'm having some trouble with ____ and would like your advice.
During his childhood, Salvador Dalí produced hundreds of paintings of ____.
During sex, I like to think about ____.
For my next trick, I will pull ____ out of ____.
Here is the church
Here is the steeple
Open the doors
And there is ____.
How am I maintaining my relationship status?
How did I lose my virginity?
I do not know with which weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with ____.
I drink to forget ____.
I got 99 problems but ____ ain't one.
I never truly understood ____ until I encountered ____.
I'm sorry, Professor, but I couldn't complete my homework because of ____.
In 1,000 years, when paper money is a distant memory, how will we pay for goods and services?
In a world ravaged by ____, our only solace is ____.
In L.A. County Jail, word is you can trade 200 cigarettes for ____.
In M. Night Shyamalan's new movie, Bruce Willis discovers that ____ had really been ____ all along.
In Michael Jackson's final moments, he thought about ____.
In the new Disney Channel Original Movie, Hannah Montana struggles with ____ for the first time.
Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children ____.
It's a pity that kids these days are all getting involved with ____.
Life for American Indians was forever changed when the White Man introduced them to ____.
Lifetime® presents ____, the story of ____.
Major League Baseball has banned ____ for giving players an unfair advantage.
Make a haiku.
Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's ____.
MTV's new reality show features eight washed-up celebrities living with ____.
Next from J.K. Rowling: Harry Potter and the Chamber of ____.
Next on ESPN2, the World Series of ____.
Rumor has it that Vladimir Putin's favorite delicacy is ____ stuffed with ____.
Step 1: ____. Step 2: ____. Step 3: Profit.
Studies show that lab rats navigate mazes 50% faster after being exposed to ____.
That's right, I killed ____. How, you ask? ____.
The class field trip was completely ruined by ____.
The Smithsonian Museum of Natural History has just opened an exhibit on ____.
This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends Not with a bang but with ____.
TSA guidelines now prohibit ____ on airplanes.
What is it good for?
What am I giving up for Lent?
What are my parents hiding from me?
What did I bring back from Mexico?
What did the U.S. airdrop to the children of Afghanistan?
What did Vin Diesel eat for dinner?
What do old people smell like?
What does Dick Cheney prefer?
What don't you want to find in your Kung Pao chicken?
What ended my last relationship?
What gets better with age?
What gives me uncontrollable gas?
What helps Obama unwind?
What is Batman's guilty pleasure?
What never fails to liven up the party?
What will always get you laid?
What will I bring back in time to convince people that I am a powerful wizard?
What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming?
What's a girl's best friend?
What's my anti-drug?
What's my secret power?
What's Teach for America using to inspire inner city students to succeed?
What's that smell?
What's that sound?
What's the most emo?
What's the new fad diet?
What's the next Happy Meal® toy?
What's the next superhero/sidekick duo?
What's there a ton of in heaven?
When I am a billionare, I shall erect a 50-foot statue to commemorate ____.
When I am the President of the United States, I will create the Department of ____.
When I was tripping on acid, ____ turned into ____.
When Pharaoh remained unmoved, Moses called down a plague of ____.
While the United States raced the Soviet Union to the moon, the Mexican government funneled millions of pesos into research on ____.
White people like ____.
Why am I sticky?
Why can't I sleep at night?
Why do I hurt all over?