2013 Holiday Bullshit

Cartes blanches

A magical tablet containing a world of unlimited pornography.
A simultaneous nightmare and wet dream starring Sigourney Weaver.
Being blind and deaf and having no limbs.
Breeding elves for their priceless semen.
Congress's flaccid penises withering away beneath their suit pants.
Finding out that Santa isn't real.
Giving money and personal information to strangers on the Internet.
Having a strong opinion about Obamacare.
Jizzing into Santa's beard.
Making up for 10 years of shitty parenting with a PlayStation.
Moses gargling Jesus's balls while Shiva and the Buddha penetrate his divine hand holes.
People with cake in their mouths talking about how good cake is.
Piece of shit Christmas cards with no money in them.
Rudolph's bright red balls.
Slicing a ham in icy silence.
Swapping bodies with mom for a day.
The Grinch's musty, cum-stained pelt.
The Hawaiian goddess Kapo and her flying detachable vagina.
The royal afterbirth.
The shittier, Jewish version of Christmas.
These low, low prices!

Cartes noires

Because they are forbidden from masturbating, Mormons channel their repressed sexual energy into ____.
Blessed are you, Lord our God, creator of the universe, who has granted us ____.
But wait, there's more! If you order ____ in the next 15 minutes, we'll throw in ____ absolutely free!

I AM ____ BOT

Here's what you can expect for the new year.
Out: ____.
In: ____.
I really hope my grandmother doesn't ask me to explain ____ again.
Kids these days with their iPods and their Internet. In my day, all we needed to pass the time was ____.
Why He Really Resigned!
Pope Benedict's Secret Struggle with ____!
What's the one thing that makes an elf instantly ejaculate?