First Version

Cartes blanches

(I am doing Kegels right now.)
72 virgins.
8 oz. of sweet Mexican black-tar heroin.
A bag of magic beans.
A balanced breakfast.
A big hoopla about nothing.
A bleached asshole.
A brain tumor.
A can of whoop-ass.
A cartoon camel enjoying the smooth, refreshing taste of a cigarette.
A clandestine butt scratch.
A cooler full of organs.
A disappointing birthday party.
A drive-by shooting.
A falcon with a cap on its head.
A fetus.
A foul mouth.
A gassy antelope.
A good sniff.
A grande sugar-free iced soy caramel macchiato.
A Gypsy curse.
A hot mess.
A LAN party.
A lifetime of sadness.
A look-see.
A mating display.
A micropenis.
A middle-aged man on roller skates.
A mime having a stroke.
A moment of silence.
A monkey smoking a cigar.
A murder most foul.
A neglected Tamagotchi™.
A really cool hat.
A robust mongoloid.
A sad handjob.
A salty surprise.
A sassy black woman.
A sausage festival.
A sea of troubles.
A snapping turtle biting the tip of your penis.
A stray pube.
A Super Soaker™ full of cat pee.
A thermonuclear detonation.
A time travel paradox.
A tiny horse.
A vajazzled vagina.
A windmill full of corpses.
A zesty breakfast burrito.
Aaron Burr.
Abstinence.
Active listening.
Adderall™.
African children.
Agriculture.
AIDS.
Alcoholism.
All-you-can-eat shrimp for $4.99.
Altar boys.
American Gladiators.
Amputees.
An asymmetric boob job.
An erection that lasts longer than four hours.
An honest cop with nothing left to lose.
An icepick lobotomy.
An M. Night Shyamalan plot twist.
An Oedipus complex.
Anal beads.
Another goddamn vampire movie.
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Asians who aren't good at math.
Assless chaps.
Attitude.
Auschwitz.
Authentic Mexican cuisine.
Autocannibalism.
AXE Body Spray.
Balls.
Bananas in Pajamas.
Barack Obama.
BATMAN!!!
Bees?
Being a dick to children.
Being a motherfucking sorcerer.
Being fabulous.
Being marginalized.
Being on fire.
Being rich.
Bestiality.
Bill Nye the Science Guy.
Bingeing and purging.
Bitches.
Black people.
Bling.
Booby-trapping the house to foil burglars.
Britney Spears at 55.
Cards Against Humanity.
Catapults.
Centaurs.
Chainsaws for hands.
Cheating in the Special Olympics.
Child abuse.
Child beauty pageants.
Children on leashes.
Chivalry.
Christopher Walken.
Civilian casualties.
Classist undertones.
Coat hanger abortions.
Cockfights.
College.
Concealing a boner.
Consultants.
Cookie Monster devouring the Eucharist wafers.
Copping a feel.
Count Chocula.
Crippling debt.
Crumpets with the Queen.
Cuddling.
Cybernetic enhancements.
Daddy issues.
Darth Vader.
Date rape.
Dave Matthews Band.
Dead babies.
Dead parents.
Dental dams.
Dick Cheney.
Dick fingers.
Doin' it in the butt.
Doing the right thing.
Domino's™ Oreo™┬áDessert Pizza.
Donald Trump.
Douchebags on their iPhones.
Drinking alone.
Dropping a chandelier on your enemies and riding the rope up.
Drum circles.
Dry heaving.
Dwarf tossing.
Dying of dysentery.
Dying.
Eastern European Turbo-Folk music.
Eating all of the cookies before the AIDS bake-sale.
Eating the last known bison.
Edible underpants.
Elderly Japanese men.
Emotions.
Estrogen.
Ethnic cleansing.
Eugenics.
Exchanging pleasantries.
Explosions.
Faith healing.
Famine.
Fancy Feast®.
Farting and walking away.
Fear itself.
Feeding Rosie O'Donnell.
Fiery poops.
Figgy pudding.
Finger painting.
Fingering.
Five-Dollar Footlongs™.
Flash flooding.
Flavored condoms.
Flesh-eating bacteria.
Flightless birds.
Foreskin.
Forgetting the Alamo.
Former President George W. Bush.
Free samples.
Friction.
Friendly fire.
Friends who eat all the snacks.
Friends with benefits.
Frolicking.
Full frontal nudity.
Gandhi.
Garth Brooks.
Geese.
Genghis Khan.
Genital piercings.
German dungeon porn.
Getting drunk on mouthwash.
Getting really high.
Getting so angry that you pop a boner.
Ghosts.
Giving 110%.
Glenn Beck being harried by a swarm of buzzards.
Glenn Beck catching his scrotum on a curtain hook.
Glenn Beck convulsively vomiting as a brood of crab spiders hatches in his brain and erupts from his tear ducts.
Global warming.
Gloryholes.
Goats eating coins.
Goblins.
God.
GoGurt®.
Golden showers.
Grandma.
Grave robbing.
Guys who don't call.
Half-assed foreplay.
Harry Potter erotica.
Have some more kugel.
Heartwarming orphans.
Heath Ledger.
Her Royal Highness, Queen Elizabeth II.
Heteronormativity.
Historically black colleges.
Homeless people.
Hope.
Hormone injections.
Horse meat.
Hot people.
Hot Pockets®.
Hulk Hogan.
Hunting accidents.
Hurricane Katrina.
Impotence.
Inappropriate yelling.
Incest.
Intelligent design.
Italians.
Jerking off into a pool of children's tears.
Jew-fros.
Jewish fraternities.
John Wilkes Booth.
Judge Judy.
Justin Bieber.
Kamikaze pilots.
Kanye West.
Keanu Reeves.
Keeping Christ in Christmas.
Keg stands.
Kids with ass cancer.
Kim Jong-il.
Lactation.
Lance Armstrong's missing testicle.
Land mines.
Laying an egg.
Leaving an awkward voicemail.
Leprosy.
Letting yourself go.
Licking things to claim them as your own.
Lockjaw.
Loose lips.
Lumberjack fantasies.
Lunchables™.
Making a pouty face.
Making sex at her.
Man meat.
Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.
Masturbation.
Mathletes.
Me time.
Men.
Menstruation.
Michael Jackson.
Michelle Obama's arms.
Mountain Dew Code Red.
Mouth herpes.
Mr. Clean, right behind you.
Mr. Snuffleupagus.
Muhammed (Praise Be Unto Him).
Multiple stab wounds.
Mutually-assured destruction.
Muzzy.
My collection of high-tech sex toys.
My genitals.
My humps.
My relationship status.
My sex life.
My soul.
Natalie Portman.
Natural selection.
Nazis.
Necrophilia.
New Age music.
Nickelback.
Nipple blades.
Nocturnal emissions.
Not giving a shit about the Third World.
Not reciprocating oral sex.
Obesity.
Object permanence.
Old-people smell.
Oompa-Loompas.
Opposable thumbs.
Overcompensation.
Oversized lollipops.
Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Panda sex.
Parting the Red Sea.
Party poopers.
Passable transvestites.
Passing a kidney stone.
Passive-agression.
PCP.
Pedophiles.
Peeing a little bit.
Penis envy.
Picking up girls at the abortion clinic.
Pictures of boobs.
Pixelated bukkake.
Police brutality.
Pooping back and forth. Forever.
Poor people.
Poorly-timed Holocaust jokes.
Porn stars.
Powerful thighs.
Prancing.
Praying the gay away.
Preteens.
Pretending to care.
Pterodactyl eggs.
Puberty.
Public ridicule.
Pulling out.
Puppies!
Queefing.
Racially-biased SAT questions.
Racism.
Raping and pillaging.
Raptor attacks.
Re-gifting.
Repression.
Republicans.
Riding off into the sunset.
Ring Pops™.
Road head.
Robert Downey, Jr.
RoboCop.
Ronald Reagan.
Roofies.
Same-sex ice dancing.
Sarah Palin.
Saxophone solos.
Scalping.
Science.
Scientology.
Scrubbing under the folds.
Sean Connery.
Sean Penn.
Seduction.
Self-loathing.
Seppuku.
Serfdom.
Sexting.
Sexual tension.
Sexy pillow fights.
Shaquille O'Neal's acting career.
Sharing needles.
Shorties and blunts.
Skeletor.
Smallpox blankets.
Smegma.
Sniffing glue.
Sobbing into a Hungry-Man® Frozen Dinner.
Soiling oneself.
Spectacular abs.
Sperm whales.
Spontaneous human combustion.
Stephen Hawking talking dirty.
Stifling a giggle at the mention of Hutus and Tutsis.
Stranger danger.
Stunt doubles.
Substitute teachers.
Sunshine and rainbows.
Surprise sex!
Sweet, sweet vengeance.
Swooping.
Take-backsies.
Taking off your shirt.
Tangled Slinkys.
Tasteful sideboob.
Teaching a robot to love.
Team-building exercises.
Tentacle porn.
Testicular torsion.
That one gay Teletubby.
That thing that electrocutes your abs.
The Übermensch.
The American Dream.
The Amish.
The Big Bang.
The Blood of Christ.
The Chinese gymnastics team.
The clitoris.
The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy.
The deformed.
The folly of man.
The forbidden fruit.
The Force.
The gays.
The glass ceiling.
The Hamburglar.
The hardworking Mexican.
The heart of a child.
The Holy Bible.
The homosexual agenda.
The Hustle.
The inevitable heat death of the universe.
The invisible hand.
The Jews.
The KKK.
The Kool-Aid Man.
The Make-A-Wish® Foundation.
The milk man.
The miracle of childbirth.
The People's Elbow.
The placenta.
The Pope.
The profoundly handicapped.
The Rapture.
The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
The South.
The taint; the grundle; the fleshy fun-bridge.
The Tempur-Pedic® Swedish Sleep System™.
The terrorists.
The Thong Song.
The Three-Fifths compromise.
The token minority.
The Trail of Tears.
The Underground Railroad.
The violation of our most basic human rights.
The Virginia Tech Massacre.
The World of Warcraft.
Third base.
This answer is postmodern.
Those times when you get sand in your vagina.
Tiger Woods.
Tom Cruise.
Toni Morrison's vagina.
Too much hair gel.
Tweeting.
Twinkies®.
Two midgets shitting into a bucket.
Uppercuts.
Vehicular manslaughter.
Viagra®.
Vigorous jazz hands.
Vikings.
Waiting 'til marriage.
Waking up half-naked in a Denny's parking lot.
Waterboarding.
Wearing underwear inside-out to avoid doing laundry.
When you fart and a little bit comes out.
Whipping it out.
White people.
White privilege.
Wifely duties.
Will Smith.
William Shatner.
Winking at old people.
Wiping her butt.
Women in yogurt commercials.
Women's suffrage.
World peace.
Yeast.
YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS.

Cartes noires

____ + ____ = ____.
____ is a slippery slope that leads to ____.
____: Good to the last drop.
____: kid-tested, mother-approved.
____? There's an app for that.
____. Betcha can't have just one!
____. High five, bro.
____. It's a trap!
____. That's how I want to die.
A romantic, candlelit dinner would be incomplete without ____.
After Hurricane Katrina, Sean Penn brought ____ to all the people of New Orleans.
Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative powers of ____.
And the Academy Award for ____ goes to ____.
Anthropologists have recently discovered a primitive tribe that worships ____.
BILLY MAYS HERE FOR ____.
But before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you ____.
Coming to Broadway this season, ____: The Musical.
Due to a PR fiasco, Walmart no longer offers ____.
During Picasso's often-overlooked Brown Period, he produced hundreds of paintings of ____.
During sex, I like to think about ____.
For my next trick, I will pull ____ out of ____.
How am I maintaining my relationship status?
I do not know with which weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with ____.
I drink to forget ____.
I got 99 problems but ____ ain't one.
I never truly understood ____ until I encountered ____.
I wish I hadn't lost the instruction manual for ____.
I'm sorry, Professor, but I couldn't complete my homework because of ____.
In 1,000 years, when paper money is but a distant memory, ____ will be our currency.
In a world ravaged by ____, our only solace is ____.
In an attempt to reach a wider audience, the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History has opened an interactive exhibit on ____.
In his new summer comedy, Rob Schneider is ____ trapped in the body of ____.
In M. Night Shyamalan's new movie, Bruce Willis discovers that ____ had really been ____ all along.
In Michael Jackson's final moments, he thought about ____.
In the new Disney Channel Original Movie, Hannah Montana struggles with ____ for the first time.
Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children ____.
It's a pity that kids these days are all getting involved with ____.
Life was difficult for cavemen before ____.
Lifetime® presents ____, the story of ____.
Major League Baseball has banned ____ for giving players an unfair advantage.
Make a haiku.
MTV's new reality show features eight washed-up celebrities living with ____.
Next from J.K. Rowling: Harry Potter and the Chamber of ____.
Rumor has it that Vladimir Putin's favorite delicacy is ____ stuffed with ____.
Studies show that lab rats navigate mazes 50% faster after being exposed to ____.
That's right, I killed ____. How, you ask? ____.
The class field trip was completely ruined by ____.
This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends Not with a bang but with ____.
TSA guidelines now prohibit ____ on airplanes.
War!

What is it good for?
What am I giving up for Lent?
What are my parents hiding from me?
What did I bring back from Mexico?
What did the U.S. airdrop to the children of Afghanistan?
What did Vin Diesel eat for dinner?
What do old people smell like?
What does Dick Cheney prefer?
What don't you want to find in your Chinese food?
What ended my last relationship?
What gets better with age?
What gives me uncontrollable gas?
What helps Obama unwind?
What is Batman's guilty pleasure?
What never fails to liven up the party?
What will always get you laid?
What will I bring back in time to convince people that I am a powerful wizard?
What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming?
What's a girl's best friend?
What's my anti-drug?
What's my secret power?
What's Teach for America using to inspire inner city students to succeed?
What's that smell?
What's that sound?
What's the crustiest?
What's the most emo?
What's the new fad diet?
What's the next Happy Meal® toy?
What's the next superhero?
What's there a ton of in heaven?
When I am a billionare, I shall erect a 50-foot statue to commemorate ____.
When I am the President of the United States, I will create the Department of ____.
When I was tripping on acid, ____ turned into ____.
When I'm in prison, I'll have ____ smuggled in.
When Pharaoh remained unmoved, Moses called down a plague of ____.
While the United States raced the Soviet Union to the moon, the Mexican government funneled millions of pesos into research on ____.
White people like ____.
Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?
Why am I sticky?
Why can't I sleep at night?
Why do I hurt all over?

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