The Second Expansion

Cartes blanches

A 55-gallon drum of lube.
A bigger, blacker dick.
A Burmese tiger pit.
A dollop of sour cream.
A magic hippie love cloud.
A man in yoga pants with a ponytail and feather earrings.
A piñata full of scorpions.
A sad fat dragon with no friends.
A slightly shittier parallel universe.
A soulful rendition of "Ol' Man River."
A squadron of moles wearing aviator goggles.
A sweaty, panting leather daddy.
A sweet spaceship.
All of this blood.
An army of skeletons.
An ether-soaked rag.
An unhinged ferris wheel rolling toward the sea.
Another shot of morphine.
Basic human decency.
Beefin' over turf.
Being awesome at sex.
Boris the Soviet Love Hammer.
Bullshit.
Catastrophic urethral trauma.
Daddy's belt.
Death by Steven Seagal.
Dining with cardboard cutouts of the cast of "Friends."
Double penetration.
Existing.
Fetal alcohol syndrome.
Finding Waldo.
Fuck Mountain.
Getting hilariously gang-banged by the Blue Man Group.
Grandpa's ashes.
Graphic violence, adult language, and some sexual content.
Hillary Clinton's death stare.
Intimacy problems.
Jeff Goldblum.
Living in a trashcan.
Loki, the trickster god.
Making a friend.
Me.
Mild autism.
Mooing.
My first kill.
Nunchuck moves.
Oncoming traffic.
One Ring to rule them all.
Power.
Pretty Pretty Princess Dress-Up Board Game®.
Pumping out a baby every nine months.
Rising from the grave.
Scrotal frostbite.
Some really fucked-up shit.
Special musical guest, Cher.
Spring break!
Subduing a grizzly bear and making her your wife.
Survivor's guilt.
Swiftly achieving orgasm.
Taking a man's eyes and balls out and putting his eyes where his balls go and then his balls in the eye holes.
The corporations.
The day the birds attacked.
The Google.
The grey nutrient broth that sustains Mitt Romney.
The human body.
The mere concept of Applebee's®.
The mixing of the races.
The new Radiohead album.
Tiny nipples.
Tongue.
Upgrading homeless people to mobile hotspots.
Weapons-grade plutonium.
Wearing an octopus for a hat.
Whining like a little bitch.
Whipping a disobedient slave.

Cartes noires

____ would be woefully incomplete without ____.
After months of debate, the Occupy Wall Street General Assembly could only agree on "More ____!"
Before ____, all we had was ____.
Before I run for president, I must destroy all evidence of my involvement with ____.
Charades was ruined for me forever when my mom had to act out ____.
During his midlife crisis, my dad got really into ____.
Everyone down on the ground! We don't want to hurt anyone. We're just here for ____.
I spent my whole life working toward ____, only to have it ruined by ____.
I went from ____ to ____, all thanks to ____.
If God didn't want us to enjoy ____, he wouldn't have given us ____.
In his newest and most difficult stunt, David Blaine must escape from ____.
Little Miss Muffet Sat on a tuffet, Eating her curds and ____.
Members of New York's social elite are paying thousands of dollars just to experience ____.
My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of ____.
My mom freaked out when she looked at my browser history and found ____.com/____.
My new favorite porn star is Joey "____" McGee.
Next time on Dr. Phil: How to talk to your child about ____.
Only two things in life are certain: death and ____.
The Five Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, ____, acceptance.
The healing process began when I joined a support group for victims of ____.
The votes are in, and the new high school mascot is ____.
This is your captain speaking. Fasten your seatbelts and prepare for ____.
This month's Cosmo: "Spice up your sex life by bringing ____ into the bedroom."
Tonight on 20/20: What you don't know about ____ could kill you.
You haven't truly lived until you've experienced ____ and ____ at the same time.

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